Self-compassion in the Body

How we see who we see in the mirror

Our body is the singular vehicle that houses our identity, allows us to think and feel, enables us to connect with the world and its people through our senses, and gives a face to our names. Yet (or maybe so) there is much about our bodies that dissatisfies us. We're either too short or too tall, too fair or too dark, too gangling or not slim enough, overly hairy or balding early, hair too wispy or not straight enough. There is always a blemish or pimple or scar or mole or stretch mark to think about concealing, a discolouration here, a rogue hair there. It's enough to annoy anyone and it's certainly more than enough material to drive an entire industry devoted to scrubbing, toning and exfoliating our insecurities.

The truth is that we set great store on appearance. And why wouldn't we? How we look influences the way people look at us and treat us, and we go to great lengths to ensure that their perceptions are favourable. Yet what seems to happen is a pattern that plays out in many other spheres: taking the present for granted in exchange for the hope of a better-looking future. This translates into love and admiration for the version of ourselves that we aspire to be, not the version of us we are. No, we tell ourselves, what we are right now is just a work in progress, the cocoon. What we'll become, that's who we really are, the butterfly we'll bloom into. And that's the version of us we'll heap our hopes and praises on. It's a shame, as there's often a perfectly lovely person waiting right here, who could use the compassion and validation and is fully deserving of it.

There is a bias psychologists refer to as the what is beautiful is good effect, a notion that means we tend to assume that all that looks appealing is in fact good, even though this is not necessarily the case. Research shows we tend to believe that beautiful people are smarter, more socially competent and are more pleasing to be around. We think what is beautiful is good because what is beautiful is desired (click here to read the full study). In short, it is the difference between the real self (who we are) and the ideal self (who we hope to be). Choosing the future imagined self over the present person looking back from the mirror seems like a no-brainer. After all, that's the version that will always be closer to our notion of perfect.

Truthfully answer these questions about yourself today:

• Do you feel you would have more respect for yourself if you were better-looking?

• Do you hold back love from yourself because you're waiting for a worthier version to give it to?

• Do you think you/others might like you better if you lost those extra kilos or changed your appearance?

It is not simple the relationship we have with ourselves. Some of us don't even feel completely at home in our own bodies, even though in some fundamental way that's all we really have that's completely our own to live with. This body you're in is supporting the weight of your life and your choices and your hopes and dreams and all of your fears. Don't berate yourself for binge-eating, don't wrack yourself with guilt for not exercising enough or a cheat day taken too far, don't be ashamed of this body that's been through every challenge and heartbreak that you have. Every freckle and wrinkle deserves care and love and compassion now and in whatever shape or form it is, as you do.