Beyond the Comfort Zone

The place where we hide things, and what there is to find there.

One of the biggest barriers in being kind to ourselves when we're going through a difficult time is that even when things are going alright, we subconsciously hide from others and ourselves crucial snippets of our experiences, particularly the uncomfortable parts. Instead, we frame the story in our heads in a way we would feel alright sharing it. Or often, we share with people our experience naturally editing the uncomfortable parts as we tell it, and then convince ourselves to remember that as the real story. After all, that's what's on the record. Like a touch me not plant, it is in the nature of discomfort to instinctively retreat into ourselves a little. It is not pleasant to acknowledge, such as shame or envy or embarrassment or yearning, and there aren't many socially acceptable ways to express these without sounding somehow weak or petty. It's a bit like an accidental chuckle that escapes you at a funeral. It's natural and happens more commonly than you would think but people notice.

Children are really good at compartmentalizing things, thanks to a stage in their cognitive development characterized by dichotomous or "all-or-nothing" thinking. Good is good, bad is bad. Love is good. Jealousy is bad. That's what they are taught. But the more they inch towards adulthood, there is massive restructuring in the mind about the abject abstractness of concepts like good and bad. If love is good and jealousy is bad, then what do we call it when we feel jealous of someone we love? That's a scalp-tickler.

As adults, we regularly experience diverse and complex things, many of which are contradictory to what we have learnt, but only some things are encouraged as a whole to be shared (the success stories, the exceptional strengths), and others to be buried and suffered through alone (the challenges, the I-want-to-stay-in-bed-under-a-blanket days). In a sense it feels like society still functions on some format of the premature stage of dichotomous thinking, where we as a community aren't quite ready to handle the complexity of our emotions.

Here I find the most alarming incongruity: The uncomfortable things we are all actively and unconsciously trying with all our might to hide because we are ashamed or feel scared to be judged? That's everyone. Each of us as individuals are scared of judgment yet we as a collective are the ones who judge. We talk about our successes and strengths so that we feel good about ourselves but also so that we feel like we belong, because everyone everywhere else is talking about their strengths and successes. The truth is, it tends to alienate us more than it connects us. There will always be greater successes and bigger strengths than yours and yet another mountain you feel you must scale to feel like you're safe. On the other hand, our frailties and struggles that we hide have an enormous potential to make us feel connected. Examine any one of your close relationships that make you feel loved and you'll find what makes them enriching is not incessant praise over your awards, but real human sharing and vulnerability. This close one gets you, accepts all of you whatever your particular peculiarities and loves you anyway. You do the same for them, and it isn't an obligation or a special favour you do for them, is it?

The things that make us feel vulnerable are absolutely worth exploring, not shying away from. It is okay to feel your feelings - all kinds of feelings. Feelings can't be helped. Just to yourself, let them surface and give them the light of day in your own mind. Familiarize yourself with your discomfort. There is nothing to be afraid of, as it is you and it is safe and it is not as bad as you think.